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Cornelius Fibonacci Seabass Bartholomew III esq.
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| What....the....fuck.... |
[Apr. 10th, 2005|10:44 pm] |
Ok, I was sitting down watching TV when I saw the commercial for the
new "wonder toy" tickle time Kelly. Yes kids...this doll
pees.... SHE FUCKING PEES!!! What sick fuck was sitting at work
on day and decides...hey....I'm going to make a doll that fucking
pees. And don't try to give me that it helps kids learn to use
the toilet bullshit, no, that crap doesn't fly for several
reasons. For starters, two 11 year old girls were in the
commercial. I'm guessing this is to be their target audience and
the last time I checked 11 year old girls know better than to piss
themselves like an animal. And better yet, if you have an 11 year
old kid that pisses themselves without a medical reason, I think that a
punch to the face is more in order rather than a peeing doll.
Secondly the doll pees via intense pressure on the abdominal
region. I'm smelling lawsuit. Some poor kid thinks the only
way they can pee is by slamming their fist into their intestines then
cries out in agony and believes themselves to be a failure because they
cant beat themselves into peeing. Sorry ma'am your kid pissed
herself on the examining table and she seems to have a severely bruised
colon and hemorrhaging in her stomach. Wave goodbye mommy, you are
being taken to jail for child abuse when your kid with a sick ass doll
is to blame. Next thing you know Ken's little brother will be
coming with a bean burrito, a newspaper, several different colors of
crap. And, despite the best efforts made by some mothers and
children the doll only appears to be peeing one or two drops.
This will cause the children to think they are freaks when they go to
the bathroom and discover the small difference between their amount and
the dolls. I think the better name here is Urinary Tract
Infection Kelly. As for the creator of this doll....you sick
fuck.
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| FEAR HER!!! RESPECT HER!!! BEG FOR HER MERCY!!!! |
[Mar. 22nd, 2005|01:05 am] |
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ALL FEAR THE MIGHTY VIRGINIA!!!! THE BRINGER OF THE BLACK PLAGUE AND DEATH TO MILLIONS!!!!!!!! The middle ages felt her wrath will you??!!! Don't fuck with what you can not handle!! |
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| Quote of the Day: |
[Feb. 15th, 2005|02:55 pm] |
Did you see that bird? It just stood there and crapped like it was nothing. I wish i could just stand there and crap like it was nothing. Actually, I just wish I could crap.
-anonymous armstrong student |
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| Knock Knock...Who is there?....Suicide... |
[Dec. 26th, 2004|12:25 am] |
Ok its official, if I see "A Christmas Story" one more time I am going to end it all. Honestly, what the hell are the people at TBS thinking when they decide to put on "A Christmas Story" back to back FOR 24 HOURS. Personally, I was more inclined to watch the burning yule log on TV than the same movie I have seen every year. For those of you that don't know about the yule log here is a little background. It is a yule log. It burns in a fireplace. On TV. That is it. I have compiled a list of positives and negatives of the burning yule log.
Positives:
1) Looks pretty.
2) You don't have to worry about smoke or burning your house down.
3) You don't have to go out and buy a yule log.
Negatives:
1) You're staring at your TV watching a fucking yule log burn.
2) You are therefor a moron.
3) There is no heat.
4) You're staring at your TV watching a fucking yule log burn.
5) You can't cook babies. (Mmmmmmm...babies)
Now, let us look at these positives and negatives. What does this say to the people at TBS? Answer: not a thing because one: they are obviously idiots, two: its not so much a verbal message as it is a kick in the nuts and a slap in the face because they are (as stated previously) idiots. Now in light of this I have come up with what I believe is the conversation with the head idiots at TBS before they announce that they will be showing a movie everyone has seen 12 times in a row.
Dumb-ass #1: You know whats a good movie everyone has seen a hundred times before that deals with christmas?
Dumb-ass #2: A christmas porno?
Dumb-ass #1: Yeah, but we can't show that. I was thinking of A Christmas Story.
Dumb-ass #2: You know what? You are right...everyone in America must have seen that movie at least a hundred times.
Dumb-ass #1: You know what we should do?
Dumb-ass #2: Watch a porno?
Dumb-ass #1: Yes but not right now. I was thinking of taking this movie and put it on back to back for....uuhhh....umm....(reaches into hat and pulls out number) 24 hours straight!
Dumb-ass #2: You know what...lets do it and piss everyone off! Not to mention lose money because no one will want to watch our station!.
Brilliant idea!!!!! And they wonder why the suicide rate is so high on Christmas. If you lost your job, your family, got robbed, got beat up, and only had A Christmas Story to watch for 24 hours straight...it would push you over the edge to. So help me by signing my petition to TBS when I ask. Please help stop suicide...quick putting the same movie on for 24 hours straight. Please...think of the children. |
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| The Laws of Our World as given to us by action movies |
[Nov. 15th, 2004|10:20 pm] |
Law of Motion as told by The Chronicles of Riddick:
As stated in the movie there is only one speed, Riddick speed. Therefor it can be said that all objects are going one Riddick. The apparent change in speed will hereby be called Vin Diesel Speed. ex. I was driving at 35 Vin Diesels last night when I was pulled over. This of course is a fictional speed because all objects are moving at the same speed, Riddick Speed.
Law of Matter Control as told by The Matrix:
All matter can be controlled by your mind as long as the phrase "there is no spoon" is repeated enough times. Failure to control an object such as bend a spoon or fly is a failure on your part. Repeat the phrase more then try again.
Law of BLOWING HARD as told by Battlefield Earth:
I personal didn't think they could have made a movie that sucked this bad.
Law of Pressure of Fluids as told by Waterworld:
As clearly shown in the movie a person can swim to any depth as long as he/she has gills. This therefor proves that there is no such thing as water pressure, and all those said to have been victims of it are liars and sissies.
Law of Time Travel as told by Time Machine:
It is entirely possible to construct a machine in the 19th century that bends time and allows a person to travel 800,000 years into the future. The fact that people of this time JUST then figured out slavery was bad is of little to no concern.
Law of Animation as told by Last Action Hero:
Magic movie tickets that allow you to go inside of movies and bring fictional characters back with you do exist and should be used with caution.
Action Movie's General Laws:
1: The hero can not and will not die. He is immortal.
2: Bullet wounds will not impair main character in anyway. Including falling on the ground screaming OH GOD OH GOD!!!!
3: All enemies without names in the opening credits will die.
Law of Genetic Mutation as told by Spiderman:
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider and refusing to seek medical attention will have no negative side effects.
Law of Re-Animation as told by The Mummy:
Reading books will bring mummies to life. Therefor illiterate people are not stupid and uneducated, they are just doing their part to save humanity.
Law of Arnold as told by every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie every made:
Arnold Schwarzenegger can do anything, even defy the laws of physics. How you ask? By simple having more muscle than brains, an accent that is all to easily made fun of, and a last name that causes people to want to hurt others.
I could go on, but that will have to wait until another day. Thank you Hollywood for slowly raping the laws of our world. |
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| I am the Universe |
[Nov. 7th, 2004|10:29 pm] |
David's Importance Theory:
We will first begin by declaring how to determine the center point of a three dimensional object. A three dimensional object is an object that exists in three planes. We will call these planes X, Y, and Z. The center of the object is merely the point at which the distance in any direction on X, Y, and Z from said point is equal. Now we will take the variable "object" and replace it with the Universe. Applying the given information above we now must take into account the distance of the object in X, Y, and Z. This distance will be described as infinity. We can now say that any given point in the object will be the center because the distance in any direction from any point is infinity therefor equal. Any point is therefor the center. I am a point therefor I am the center of the Universe.
David's Insanity Theory:
The center of an object can be described as a single point in which the distance in any direction on X, Y, and Z from said point is equal. Using David's Importance Theory we determined that every point is the center of the Universe. This contradicts the definition of the center of an object. Therefor it can be said all points in the Universe are the same point. And since matter can not occupy the same space at the same time it can be said that I am you and you are Jupiter. And if all points are the same then therefor it can be said everything is the same. Leading us to our conclusion, I am the Universe.
What now bitches. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2004|05:27 pm] |
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Thank you so much for the wild passionate sex... |
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| Facts of the Universe |
[Nov. 4th, 2004|08:44 pm] |
The Universe: Some information to help you live in it.
Area: Infinite
Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some. Much bigger than in fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, real "wow, that's big," time. Infinity is just so big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy. Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here.
Imports: None
It is impossible to import things into an infinita area, there being no outside to import things in from.
Exports: None
See imports.
Population: NONE
It is know that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this is follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.
Art: None
The function of art is to hold the mirror up to nature, and there simply isn't a mirror big enough.
Sex: None
Well, in fact there is an awful lot of this, largely because of the total lack of money, trade, banks, art or anything else that might keep all the nonexistent people of the Universe occupied. However, it is not worth embarking on a long discussion of it now because it really is terribly complicated. |
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| Matters of interest |
[Sep. 23rd, 2004|11:32 pm] |
Written on Taco Bell "Border Sauce" packets:
"The road to mediocrity is littered with empty ketchup packets"
"How many of these do you already have in your glove compartment"
"why order a taco when you can ask it politely?"
"Angel dust" is really called Phencyclidine and has the chemical formula C17H25N. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2004|04:30 am] |
Hello kids. You know, as I was scanning through your various
journal posts I began to notice a pattern...no mention of Amanda.
I know you have been hanging out with her, you see her, you talk to
her, yet not mention. That's cold. Remember children,
silence can be just as hurtful as anything else. Shame. So
here is your post Amanda. Completely and utterly centered around
you. This is the greatest post ever because its about the
greatest person ever so you heartless bastards are going to like it,
and your going to leave nice comments directed towards her
too...now...
If you don't I'm going to do something like this to you. Now I
could go on and on about how awesome she is but I don't want to
embarrass anyone or tell you stuff you already know. If you
don't already know or you disagree with me then I really don't care what
you think because your a moron and morons aren't people. So in
short...show the love.
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| The giraffe-a-bat is real and coming to a town near you. |
[Jul. 27th, 2004|11:32 pm] |
Well kids its that time again. Update time. Well all I really have to say is a quote from Amanda which I thought I would share. "I fooled you witchypoo." ....thats all. I would type more but where would be the fun in that.
Now onto Anna's new column (what you thought I was kidding?). Anna's words of infinite wisdom for today are as such: Calling your mother and pretending to be an encyclopedia salesman doesn't go over too well, He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance, and when given a choice, people will always do the dumbest thing under the circumstances. Remember, if anyone has any questions for the all knowing Anna do not be afraid to comment and ask.
Moving right along we have now reached Lori's new segment. Lori's pick up lines of choice for today are: Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
...use them with caution. Rachel also has something witty to say but she isnt here to say it once more so just use your imagination...and it better be good.
That is all. |
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| When the hours turn to minutes and I'm seconds away |
[Jul. 20th, 2004|12:11 am] |
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Well hello kids, once more I have been commanded by the masses to update my journal. Well here it is, whoopty-friggen-doo. Well I guess this is where I am supposed to talk about life through the eyes of David buuuutttt....that isnt going to happen. I'm sorry if I have just crushed your hopes and dreams, but then again if that is all of your hopes and dreams then you have bigger problems to deal with. Instead I will say what everyone out there wants me to say for them. Amanda says, and I quote, "akalakahsmoob." That right there, along with 42, is the answer to life, the universe, and everything....behold her wisdom. Kevin would like to say that he is a lampshade. Meredith adds that you might be a red neck if your family tree doesnt fork and "i shall call him squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my squishy." Cory would like to point out a startling study that show that impulsive monkey masturbation has increased at an alarming 72.4% percent within the last 3 years. Anna would first off like me to talk about her new pet turtle. I have decided to grace this turtle with the name of Kyo (key-oh). Kyo is the name of a fear samurai that was said to wield a legendary Murasama sword...I thought the name was fitting of a turtle. This is a new segment of the post that will be here from now on which I call the Anna advice column and Ask Anna. Anna's words of wisdom for today are to never turn your back on a charging turtle, to never throw toilet paper on a bear, and that shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot less fun than nearly anything else. If you have any question for the all-knowing Anna feel free to comment and she will get back to you in my next post. Lori would like me to talk about how cool she is, Lori is a really cool person and apparently my lover. She would also like to add that soup is a great invention. Lori will also being joining Anna in every post with her new pickup lines column. Today's pick up line of choice is Boy: "Are your parents terrorists?"
Girl: "No, why?"
Boy: "Because you're the bomb!"
I have also been commanded to add this site http://www.ebaumsworld.com/kittycatdance.html. Go there. It is quite possibly the dumbest thing you will ever come across in your life but yet....soo funny. Matt would like to say that the moral of "The early bird and the worm" is not that the bird got the worm because he got up early, it's that the worm should have stayed in bed." Im sure that Rachel also has something witty to say but she is not here at the moment to lead her words of wisdom so just think of something good and pretend she said it. I would also say something witty...buuuttt.....no. That is all for today, I hope this satisfies everyone. |
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| I'll speak in riddles so you can understand |
[Jul. 6th, 2004|01:15 am] |
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It was asked...no...demanded of me to update more often. Well here you go...wow, how exciting. Is it everything you all could have hoped for. I think it is. Enjoy the awesomeness...bask in its ever warming glow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2004|05:32 pm] |
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Why is she so happy you ask? Why, because of all the new pictures of course!
www.photobucket.com user name craptasticle password "puss in boots" (be sure to include spaces)
We will see YOU there.
....What?....would you rather me talk about my day or see pictures....yeah, thats what I thought. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 23rd, 2004|10:52 pm] |
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And of course when I nice I mean that he isnt. (for everyone out there that doesnt know us personally I dont hate matt, I just like to annoy him in this manner...plus he started it)
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 23rd, 2004|10:23 pm] |
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Ok kids, I have an update to make on the top 11.
This is Matt....he complained that he didnt make it. Well Matt now you have...your lifetime goals have been met. I dont think I have to say anything about Matt....the picture says it all. But, I guess I should add that he can be a nice person and is smooth with the ladies. Dont you want a piece of him? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2004|12:11 pm] |
Quote of the Day!!
"I'm not an animal. I don't eat my own crap, I have standards you know." |
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