You're bored aren't you

What....the....fuck....

2005-04-11T02:48:03Z

Ok, I was sitting down watching TV when I saw the commercial for the new "wonder toy" tickle time Kelly. Yes kids...this doll pees.... SHE FUCKING PEES!!! What sick fuck was sitting at work on day and decides...hey....I'm going to make a doll that fucking pees. And don't try to give me that it helps kids learn to use the toilet bullshit, no, that crap doesn't fly for several reasons. For starters, two 11 year old girls were in the commercial. I'm guessing this is to be their target audience and the last time I checked 11 year old girls know better than to piss themselves like an animal. And better yet, if you have an 11 year old kid that pisses themselves without a medical reason, I think that a punch to the face is more in order rather than a peeing doll. Secondly the doll pees via intense pressure on the abdominal region. I'm smelling lawsuit. Some poor kid thinks the only way they can pee is by slamming their fist into their intestines then cries out in agony and believes themselves to be a failure because they cant beat themselves into peeing. Sorry ma'am your kid pissed herself on the examining table and she seems to have a severely bruised colon and hemorrhaging in her stomach. Wave goodbye mommy, you are being taken to jail for child abuse when your kid with a sick ass doll is to blame. Next thing you know Ken's little brother will be coming with a bean burrito, a newspaper, several different colors of crap. And, despite the best efforts made by some mothers and children the doll only appears to be peeing one or two drops. This will cause the children to think they are freaks when they go to the bathroom and discover the small difference between their amount and the dolls. I think the better name here is Urinary Tract Infection Kelly. As for the creator of this doll....you sick fuck.

FEAR HER!!! RESPECT HER!!! BEG FOR HER MERCY!!!!

2005-03-22T06:07:39Z

ALL FEAR THE MIGHTY VIRGINIA!!!! THE BRINGER OF THE BLACK PLAGUE AND DEATH TO MILLIONS!!!!!!!! The middle ages felt her wrath will you??!!! Don't fuck with what you can not handle!!

Quote of the Day:

2005-02-15T19:57:14Z

Did you see that bird? It just stood there and crapped like it was nothing. I wish i could just stand there and crap like it was nothing. Actually, I just wish I could crap.
-anonymous armstrong student

Knock Knock...Who is there?....Suicide...

2004-12-26T05:48:49Z

Ok its official, if I see "A Christmas Story" one more time I am going to end it all. Honestly, what the hell are the people at TBS thinking when they decide to put on "A Christmas Story" back to back FOR 24 HOURS. Personally, I was more inclined to watch the burning yule log on TV than the same movie I have seen every year. For those of you that don't know about the yule log here is a little background. It is a yule log. It burns in a fireplace. On TV. That is it. I have compiled a list of positives and negatives of the burning yule log.
Positives:
1) Looks pretty.
2) You don't have to worry about smoke or burning your house down.
3) You don't have to go out and buy a yule log.
Negatives:
1) You're staring at your TV watching a fucking yule log burn.
2) You are therefor a moron.
3) There is no heat.
4) You're staring at your TV watching a fucking yule log burn.
5) You can't cook babies. (Mmmmmmm...babies)
Now, let us look at these positives and negatives. What does this say to the people at TBS? Answer: not a thing because one: they are obviously idiots, two: its not so much a verbal message as it is a kick in the nuts and a slap in the face because they are (as stated previously) idiots. Now in light of this I have come up with what I believe is the conversation with the head idiots at TBS before they announce that they will be showing a movie everyone has seen 12 times in a row.
Dumb-ass #1: You know whats a good movie everyone has seen a hundred times before that deals with christmas?
Dumb-ass #2: A christmas porno?
Dumb-ass #1: Yeah, but we can't show that. I was thinking of A Christmas Story.
Dumb-ass #2: You know what? You are right...everyone in America must have seen that movie at least a hundred times.
Dumb-ass #1: You know what we should do?
Dumb-ass #2: Watch a porno?
Dumb-ass #1: Yes but not right now. I was thinking of taking this movie and put it on back to back for....uuhhh....umm....(reaches into hat and pulls out number) 24 hours straight!
Dumb-ass #2: You know what...lets do it and piss everyone off! Not to mention lose money because no one will want to watch our station!.
Brilliant idea!!!!! And they wonder why the suicide rate is so high on Christmas. If you lost your job, your family, got robbed, got beat up, and only had A Christmas Story to watch for 24 hours straight...it would push you over the edge to. So help me by signing my petition to TBS when I ask. Please help stop suicide...quick putting the same movie on for 24 hours straight. Please...think of the children.

The Laws of Our World as given to us by action movies

2004-11-16T04:23:20Z

Law of Motion as told by The Chronicles of Riddick:
As stated in the movie there is only one speed, Riddick speed. Therefor it can be said that all objects are going one Riddick. The apparent change in speed will hereby be called Vin Diesel Speed. ex. I was driving at 35 Vin Diesels last night when I was pulled over. This of course is a fictional speed because all objects are moving at the same speed, Riddick Speed.

Law of Matter Control as told by The Matrix:
All matter can be controlled by your mind as long as the phrase "there is no spoon" is repeated enough times. Failure to control an object such as bend a spoon or fly is a failure on your part. Repeat the phrase more then try again.

Law of BLOWING HARD as told by Battlefield Earth:
I personal didn't think they could have made a movie that sucked this bad.

Law of Pressure of Fluids as told by Waterworld:
As clearly shown in the movie a person can swim to any depth as long as he/she has gills. This therefor proves that there is no such thing as water pressure, and all those said to have been victims of it are liars and sissies.

Law of Time Travel as told by Time Machine:
It is entirely possible to construct a machine in the 19th century that bends time and allows a person to travel 800,000 years into the future. The fact that people of this time JUST then figured out slavery was bad is of little to no concern.

Law of Animation as told by Last Action Hero:
Magic movie tickets that allow you to go inside of movies and bring fictional characters back with you do exist and should be used with caution.

Action Movie's General Laws:
1: The hero can not and will not die. He is immortal.
2: Bullet wounds will not impair main character in anyway. Including falling on the ground screaming OH GOD OH GOD!!!!
3: All enemies without names in the opening credits will die.

Law of Genetic Mutation as told by Spiderman:
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider and refusing to seek medical attention will have no negative side effects.

Law of Re-Animation as told by The Mummy:
Reading books will bring mummies to life. Therefor illiterate people are not stupid and uneducated, they are just doing their part to save humanity.

Law of Arnold as told by every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie every made:
Arnold Schwarzenegger can do anything, even defy the laws of physics. How you ask? By simple having more muscle than brains, an accent that is all to easily made fun of, and a last name that causes people to want to hurt others.

I could go on, but that will have to wait until another day. Thank you Hollywood for slowly raping the laws of our world.

I am the Universe

2004-11-08T03:51:55Z

David's Importance Theory:
We will first begin by declaring how to determine the center point of a three dimensional object. A three dimensional object is an object that exists in three planes. We will call these planes X, Y, and Z. The center of the object is merely the point at which the distance in any direction on X, Y, and Z from said point is equal. Now we will take the variable "object" and replace it with the Universe. Applying the given information above we now must take into account the distance of the object in X, Y, and Z. This distance will be described as infinity. We can now say that any given point in the object will be the center because the distance in any direction from any point is infinity therefor equal. Any point is therefor the center. I am a point therefor I am the center of the Universe.

David's Insanity Theory:
The center of an object can be described as a single point in which the distance in any direction on X, Y, and Z from said point is equal. Using David's Importance Theory we determined that every point is the center of the Universe. This contradicts the definition of the center of an object. Therefor it can be said all points in the Universe are the same point. And since matter can not occupy the same space at the same time it can be said that I am you and you are Jupiter. And if all points are the same then therefor it can be said everything is the same. Leading us to our conclusion, I am the Universe.

What now bitches.

craptasticle @ 2004-11-06T17:27:00

2004-11-06T22:28:17Z

Thank you so much for the wild passionate sex...

Facts of the Universe

2004-11-05T01:57:42Z

The Universe: Some information to help you live in it.

Area: Infinite
Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some. Much bigger than in fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, real "wow, that's big," time. Infinity is just so big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy. Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here.

Imports: None
It is impossible to import things into an infinita area, there being no outside to import things in from.

Exports: None
See imports.

Population: NONE
It is know that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this is follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.

Art: None
The function of art is to hold the mirror up to nature, and there simply isn't a mirror big enough.

Sex: None
Well, in fact there is an awful lot of this, largely because of the total lack of money, trade, banks, art or anything else that might keep all the nonexistent people of the Universe occupied. However, it is not worth embarking on a long discussion of it now because it really is terribly complicated.

craptasticle @ 2004-10-03T01:12:00

2004-10-03T05:13:07Z

Hehehe

Matters of interest

2004-09-24T03:39:57Z

Written on Taco Bell "Border Sauce" packets:
"The road to mediocrity is littered with empty ketchup packets"
"How many of these do you already have in your glove compartment"
"why order a taco when you can ask it politely?"

"Angel dust" is really called Phencyclidine and has the chemical formula C17H25N.

Go David its your birthday....no really....it is

2004-09-14T05:03:10Z

wooooo, one year older...wait....IM GETTING OLD!!!!!!! NO!!!!!

craptasticle @ 2004-08-28T04:30:00

2004-08-28T08:47:10Z

Hello kids. You know, as I was scanning through your various journal posts I began to notice a pattern...no mention of Amanda. I know you have been hanging out with her, you see her, you talk to her, yet not mention. That's cold. Remember children, silence can be just as hurtful as anything else. Shame. So here is your post Amanda. Completely and utterly centered around you. This is the greatest post ever because its about the greatest person ever so you heartless bastards are going to like it, and your going to leave nice comments directed towards her too...now...

If you don't I'm going to do something like this to you. Now I could go on and on about how awesome she is but I don't want to embarrass anyone or tell you stuff you already know. If you don't already know or you disagree with me then I really don't care what you think because your a moron and morons aren't people. So in short...show the love.

The giraffe-a-bat is real and coming to a town near you.

2004-07-28T04:04:23Z

Well kids its that time again. Update time. Well all I really have to say is a quote from Amanda which I thought I would share. "I fooled you witchypoo." ....thats all. I would type more but where would be the fun in that.
Now onto Anna's new column (what you thought I was kidding?). Anna's words of infinite wisdom for today are as such: Calling your mother and pretending to be an encyclopedia salesman doesn't go over too well, He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance, and when given a choice, people will always do the dumbest thing under the circumstances. Remember, if anyone has any questions for the all knowing Anna do not be afraid to comment and ask.
Moving right along we have now reached Lori's new segment. Lori's pick up lines of choice for today are: Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
...use them with caution. Rachel also has something witty to say but she isnt here to say it once more so just use your imagination...and it better be good.
That is all.

When the hours turn to minutes and I'm seconds away

2004-07-20T04:15:08Z

Well hello kids, once more I have been commanded by the masses to update my journal. Well here it is, whoopty-friggen-doo. Well I guess this is where I am supposed to talk about life through the eyes of David buuuutttt....that isnt going to happen. I'm sorry if I have just crushed your hopes and dreams, but then again if that is all of your hopes and dreams then you have bigger problems to deal with. Instead I will say what everyone out there wants me to say for them. Amanda says, and I quote, "akalakahsmoob." That right there, along with 42, is the answer to life, the universe, and everything....behold her wisdom. Kevin would like to say that he is a lampshade. Meredith adds that you might be a red neck if your family tree doesnt fork and "i shall call him squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my squishy." Cory would like to point out a startling study that show that impulsive monkey masturbation has increased at an alarming 72.4% percent within the last 3 years. Anna would first off like me to talk about her new pet turtle. I have decided to grace this turtle with the name of Kyo (key-oh). Kyo is the name of a fear samurai that was said to wield a legendary Murasama sword...I thought the name was fitting of a turtle. This is a new segment of the post that will be here from now on which I call the Anna advice column and Ask Anna. Anna's words of wisdom for today are to never turn your back on a charging turtle, to never throw toilet paper on a bear, and that shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot less fun than nearly anything else. If you have any question for the all-knowing Anna feel free to comment and she will get back to you in my next post. Lori would like me to talk about how cool she is, Lori is a really cool person and apparently my lover. She would also like to add that soup is a great invention. Lori will also being joining Anna in every post with her new pickup lines column. Today's pick up line of choice is Boy: "Are your parents terrorists?"
Girl: "No, why?"
Boy: "Because you're the bomb!"

I have also been commanded to add this site http://www.ebaumsworld.com/kittycatdance.html. Go there. It is quite possibly the dumbest thing you will ever come across in your life but yet....soo funny. Matt would like to say that the moral of "The early bird and the worm" is not that the bird got the worm because he got up early, it's that the worm should have stayed in bed." Im sure that Rachel also has something witty to say but she is not here at the moment to lead her words of wisdom so just think of something good and pretend she said it. I would also say something witty...buuuttt.....no. That is all for today, I hope this satisfies everyone.

Why does hello feel like goodbye?

2004-07-08T16:22:06Z

I am the greatest ninja of all...

I'll speak in riddles so you can understand

2004-07-06T05:47:28Z

It was asked...no...demanded of me to update more often. Well here you go...wow, how exciting. Is it everything you all could have hoped for. I think it is. Enjoy the awesomeness...bask in its ever warming glow.

craptasticle @ 2004-06-29T17:32:00

2004-06-29T22:54:24Z

Why is she so happy you ask? Why, because of all the new pictures of course!

www.photobucket.com user name craptasticle password "puss in boots" (be sure to include spaces)

We will see YOU there.

....What?....would you rather me talk about my day or see pictures....yeah, thats what I thought.

craptasticle @ 2004-06-23T22:52:00

2004-06-24T02:54:41Z

And of course when I nice I mean that he isnt. (for everyone out there that doesnt know us personally I dont hate matt, I just like to annoy him in this manner...plus he started it)

craptasticle @ 2004-06-23T22:23:00

2004-06-24T02:36:11Z

Ok kids, I have an update to make on the top 11.

This is Matt....he complained that he didnt make it. Well Matt now you have...your lifetime goals have been met. I dont think I have to say anything about Matt....the picture says it all. But, I guess I should add that he can be a nice person and is smooth with the ladies. Dont you want a piece of him?

craptasticle @ 2004-06-16T12:11:00

2004-06-16T16:12:53Z

Quote of the Day!!
"I'm not an animal. I don't eat my own crap, I have standards you know."

craptasticle @ 2004-06-14T00:09:00

2004-06-14T04:10:06Z

Prepare to beg for mercy from...PUSS!!!....in boots.

Enter the Dolphin

2004-06-10T02:21:16Z

Top 5 most random games:

5: Ecco the Dolphin

4: Ecco the Dolphin

3: Ecco the Dolphin

2: Ecco the Dolphin

and the number one spot goes to...

1: Ecco the Dolphin
Yes thats right. Ecco has managed to make it to the 5-1 spot on the top 5. Why you may ask? Well, this game has everything, sharks, dolphins, jellyfish, squid, crabs, etc; in fact the only thing it doesnt have is dinosaurs, prehistoric sea life, a bunch of balls shaped like DNA that talk, and aliens...oh wait...it does. What started off as a simple story soon grew into a pothead's delight. For everyone that has played Ecco the Dolphin you too may have believed that the point was to find the rest of your pod that disappeared after a storm, but how wrong...how wrong. You really are a dolphin that is out to save the world, but I will get to that in a moment. The game ,as I stated earlier, had a simple story, pod is lost swim around ocean being the cute dolphin that you are and find them and when you do you will be happy. But, the game started to take a turn for the random side when I instructed to go find a...uh..thing?, that can only be described as a bunch of oddly colored balls that formed the shape of DNA, that talked. I thought well, this is just a little weird but not very; then I was told I needed to go to the lost city of Atlantis, to travel back in time. The spiral towards randomness has now been noted. Upon arrival at Atlantis I found the time device (which on a side note was apparently made solely for dolphins...) So I turned on the dolphin-friendly time machine and then found myself in prehistoric times. As if swimming with prehistoric sea life wasnt enough I had my very own pterodactyl that liked to carry me, weeeeeeeee. It would swoop down and wisk me away off to my next adventure, which was apparently to steal a ball from another ball creature thing and bring it back to the first. After doing this I was then shot back through time to right before my pod disappeared, but this time with powers... I went from cute little sweet dolphin just trying to find his friends to militant porpoise that shoots lasers out of his forehead ,has the power to regenerate his health in a matter of seconds ,and that has seemed to evolved past the point where oxygen is needed to sustain life. Why would I need all of this you ask? To fight aliens of course. Turns out Ecco's friends werent just lost, they were abducted. So now my mission is to go to the alien's home world (via swirling vortex of doom), get my friends...and kill all who stand in my way. Now I am swimming...flying...I'm really not sure what...through space, shooting aliens with a laser beam that comes out of my forehead. Lets just take a moment to go over the situation. I am a dolphin...DOLPHIN...that is traveling through open space shooting aliens with a laser beam that comes out of my forehead, regenerating my health in seconds flat, and completely disregarding the fact that all living things need oxygen to live. And hey, whats a game without a final boss? Not a good one thats for sure; so the creators decided to make a GIANT alien head...just head no body...the boss. Am I the only one finding this incredibly odd? With all of this I have come up with what I believe to be the moment in the storyboard room when they game took a turn toward RANDOM:
pothead #1: Ok, so he is swimming around in a maze of caves trying to find clues to where his pod is...hmmm...do we have any ideas for the next stage?
pothead #2: I dont have a clue
pothead #3: Nor do I.
pothead #4: Hey I have an idea. My friend says that whenever he wants to be creative he smokes this.
pothead #1,2,3,4: *puff puff*
pothead #3: whooooaaaaaaa
pothead #2: duuuddddeee my eyes are tiny.
pothead #1: dude...dude........dddduuuuuuddddeeeeee....we should like...make him fight aliens and sh*t.
pothead #3: And...and...shoot lasers and junk out of his forehead.
pothead #2: AND GIVE HIM HIS OWN PTERODACTYL.
pothead #4: man...dude...my friend was right...whooaaaaa

And there you have it, the deciding moments in the making of the game.

decisions decisions

2004-05-30T20:00:01Z

I have just come into possession of two japanese katanas and while my first thought was to run around outside and cut stuff, I believe the better idea may be that I put them up on the wall...out of my hands. But I can not decided how I want them mounted soooo I decided to see what you all thought. Here are the choices...or if you have any other ideas please tell. Also the pictures do these swords no credit...they are quite beautiful.

Ok, here is option one. I believe that traditionally Japanese swords are supposed to be mounted sheathed, and they do look very good sheathed might I add. There is also something humble about them when they are like this...the blue one especially. Kinda hard to explain. Comments?

And here would be option two. As you can tell, this way exposes the bright, shiny, beautifully crafted blades of the two swords, but while the sheathes are still present it doesnt have the full effect as the other. But come on....it still looks really cool. Also this way can be changed slightly, wheather it be the blades cross further down (down meaning towards the handle) or whatever else. Comments?

Its either this or kill things...and for the safety of others and myself I believe this is the best thing to do. So please tell me what you think, or if you have any questions about them do ask...but only after you give me your opinion. And yes, either way they will be securely attached to the wall. So no picking the one that would be "safer." We are going for the one that looks better.

David's top 11....will you make it?

2004-05-27T04:07:27Z

Once again I know no one wants to hear about my day. Top 11 you ask? Anyone can do a top ten but only I would do a top 11. On a side note everything said is meant in a platonic way...except for kevin...I want him.

11: Erin. Sorry I dont have an actual picture, but this should do. When you WANT TO you can be quite the delightful person to be around, hence why your here.

10: Moody. Dude....your fricken tall...enough said.

9: David. I dont have a picture of you...and i dont know you all that well, but aside from that ,funny guy. But because of the first two you are down here...tisk tisk...but don't worry I still and waiting for your hot man love.

8: Elizabeth. Aside from me not knowing you all that well, you have yet to not be nice to me...for that you have earned number 8. And just to let you know my icon is PUSS IN BOOTS not a pussy.

7: Nadia. I think we all know why she is number seven. Its because of her fantastic...HUGE....personality. What? What did you think i was going to say? She has a pleasant personality...really...WHAT??!?

6: Cory. Ah, my fellow Cornelius. I still wonder what monkey's taste like. Over all...fun guy. I know whats its like to have a fast motablolism...I feel your pain.

5: Samantha. I have found another hellsing fan! For this you have earned the spot of #5. Oh, that and that whole personality thing...but hellsing WOO!

4: Jen. Overall you have been supportive and kind to me...for this I thank you. That is unless you were just lying to me...just let me live in my little world and I will be fine. And like your brother...beautiful eyes. I wish mine were blue.

3: Kevin. What can I say...he is my lover.

2: Ashley. Although most of you who are going to read this have no idea who she is I will tell you this is a great person. Also the writer of the Book of Ashley. You have been a close friend for a long time now and helped me out more times than I can remember...seriously...my memory sucks. It was a hard choice to make you second but it wasn't by much. Maybe if you get on more often...and then the whole calling me randomly at work and not specifying what mall to go to.

1: Amanda. Perfect mix of beauty and personality, but very very dangerous if angered. Aside from our common fascination with vampires, you are one of the few people left that I actually enjoy talking to. Fun loving and seemingly full of life, you have earned the spot of #1...Im still waiting for the donkey and puss in boots you promised though...

Keep in mind this was written with my normal sarcasm implied, if something was said that offended you...I WASNT BEING SERIOUS and if you have a problem with what number you are...too bad. You are one of the top 11...be happy...Seeing that I hate people in general you should feel honored. Feel the love. And dont expect me to be nice like this all the time...Im actually a bitter person.

craptasticle @ 2004-05-25T23:55:00

2004-05-26T03:57:36Z

Quote of the Day!!!
"It is apparent that you and reality never got along and have now permanently parted ways with irreconcilable differences."